LaLaFoxtrot

trigger warning: cutting, self harm, depression, all those. if you don't wanna hear it, don't read this please.

But I don't know who else to tell. I don't have therapy again for another two weeks. 

I never understood self harm. Well, I understood it from a psychological perspective that it releases endorphins and some people do it in a way that is supposed to give them control on something in their life. There were plenty of reasons I read about and understood in a clinical kind of way. 

I kind of had my first bout of true understanding today. I didn't cut myself or harm myself. I gave a promise to all my friends I would never intentionally harm myself like that. But the thought actually crossed my mind. I am drowning in guilt over some things in my life right now. So much regret and guilt and sadness and grief. In the middle of it all, the thought of harming myself to rid myself of just some of the guilt. To know that I'm an animal underneath it all and that I can have something just lash me for it. The thought definitely crossed my mind. I even imagined it in my head, tried to imagine the release of some of my guilt through the flow of my blood. But I know me harming myself isn't helping anyone, especially not me. Now i'm just sitting here, slumped in my overwhelming...everything.

For anyone reading this. I promise you I'm in no imminent danger to myself, at least not physically. 

The anniversary of my father's passing is also coming up in a few more days. I am going to try my best not to get thrown off the edge. I'm not in a particularly good position right now but I know I will live and breathe at the end of it all.

I can't imagine that writing this out did any real lasting healing, but I feel slightly temporarily better..

and sorry I haven't been progressing on commissions. I'm nearing finals week and I gotta just push through this last part and I promise I will be UP and RUNNING again. 

So very very sorry D: 

Allo. So I bet a lot of you are confused as to what pronoun to call me by. It's all really confusing and I'm only now better understanding it myself. So here's the dealio.

In a short sentence, I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Call me "he." My name is Launce. (or you can call me LaLa or Fox if it's easier to remember "

So that's the summary of it. If you want to know why it is I know that I am a man or why it even matters you can keep reading. If that's all you need to know, then that's all you need to know. BUT if you're curious, let's talk about it:

In my culturally American social context, and as far as the U.S. government census bureau is concerned, I am a woman.  I am a woman, genetically and biologically, with two X chromosomes and the appropriate sexual organs.  Because humans are such vastly complex and social organisms, how then could every single person in the world fall into such a strict binary of gender?  These semantics leave me in a gender predicament, because a natural healthy person either is one or the other, a round peg or a square hole.

    Though my body may betray me, I want people to know that I am a man and that makes me not simply one or the other.  I however am not here to argue gender roles, feminism or sexuality, because frankly, I do not know where to place myself.  I can only speak for my personal ongoing journey of gender self-identity.

    People inevitably must refer to one another as he, she, him, and her.  There is no socially accepted word for those that dwell on the edges of these semantics.  For me, my title as a woman has a strange and foreign feeling against my skin, like an ill-fitting woolen jacket.  It scritches and scratches at me in a way which offers my soul little comfort.

    It’s the little things in a daily routine that draw my attention to my gender, such as putting on clothes, speaking to my friends and looking in a mirror.  Sometimes I am caught off guard by my own reflection.  Just recently I was made aware of my gender when I brushed my teeth this morning, staring deeply into the eyes of a woman with black hair and dark eyes that I knew to be myself.  I did not dislike the woman that I was looking at; in fact I thought she was quite pretty. I hear some girls talking about boys. "I like charming confidant fun guys, but all guys are rude assholes. Guys are afraid to be romantic anymore." I immediately find myself thinking "no, not all guys are like that. I'M not like that. I'm not like that...I wish I could show you. I wish society saw me as a man on the outside because I know I am." When I walk around and imagine how people see me, I see a man. I want society to see me as I am inside. A man. I identify myself as a man.

    Since I was thirteen years old I had thought that I was someone else.  It was a warm spring afternoon for my middle school and my fellow classmates were in frenzy, playing a team building game my teacher had devised.  Running from one end of the room to the other, I was happily immersed in the spirit of youth.  On my way back to my station after having stolen the flag from the other team, a reflection of a girl suddenly caught my eye.  The cabinet door next to me was ajar, revealing a small mirror propped in the cavity.  From it I saw a girl posed exactly how I was, holding tightly onto a pink flag like I was.  She was my reflection and I had nearly forgotten that I was a girl. 

    As I grow and mature, I find myself more and more comfortable with my sexual identity, making peace with the girl that shares my mind and body little by little.  Gender, as I have come to realize in my time at university, is a social construct, one that defines me only as far as I allow it to.  Perhaps there is no name for what I am and perhaps I am what people call a transgender. All in all, it would be more accurate to call me male because that is how I feel, even if it isn't how I look. Yet. More important is that I am surrounded by love, affection and support from my friends and family whom accept my identity whatever it is may be.  For those ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between, I am a tale of optimism, albeit a work in progress. 

Thanks for reading, anyone who did.

It's now LaLaFoxtrot.

I did the same on tumblr soooo doubly don't freak out.

That is all~

-LaLa